Time to bitch again. I feel stuck. Like there is a giant pile of goo under and around my feet. There are so many things that I want to do but they feel so far away. The little voice in my head keeps telling me that I can't do anything. Keep wishing. And I keep believing it. I want to do stuff. Like school, photography, making clothes for myself, re-do my room. Ever since Andrew passed. Everything seems to be standing still. I feel like I can't talk to anyone or let anyone in my circle. I love my friends to death. But...I feel like I would be annoying talking about the same thing over and over again. So I bottle it up and put on a happy face. I want to tell my friend's how I feel but I start to choke and tears well up. And I just can't say it. That voice tells me that I would start losing them too. And I'm scared. I feel so lonely and broken by Andrew's death that I can't even be myself anymore. I try. I try so hard to smile and be happy, but when I am alone, the bad feelings come back and start tearing me to shreds again. I feel pathetic just writing this. But it's the truth. I have issues. Big issues. I want help. To whoever is willing to help me.
I'm willing to help.
ReplyDeleteIf you say your friends are always there for you, then maybe now would be the time to not bottle it up and let them actually "Be there for you."Telling them won't make them stop being your friend, it will let them know that you need help. If you don't want to tell them, why not tell your mom? I'm sure she would be more than willing to help you.
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